


Negotiations, or How Sirius Learned the Value of Wearing Pants

by mayanpaw



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Crack, Don't Mess With Molly Weasley, Fanatical Fics and Where to Find Them, Gen, Order of the Phoenix (Harry Potter), Prompt Fic, the Order goes a bit crazy during the school year
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-17
Updated: 2019-11-17
Packaged: 2021-02-07 17:07:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,727
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21461539
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mayanpaw/pseuds/mayanpaw
Summary: Prompt fic:Primary Character: Sirius BlackAlso appears: Molly WeasleyItem: A Piece of ParchmentPredicament: The classic trip-kiss!Grimmauld Place was always a weird place during the school term. Without the herds of children to maintain appearances for, the adults in the Order of the Phoenix tended to fall back into their more natural states, leading to interactions that were more… interesting.
Comments: 3
Kudos: 15





	Negotiations, or How Sirius Learned the Value of Wearing Pants

Grimmauld Place was always a weird place during the school term. Without the herds of children to maintain appearances for, the adults in the Order of the Phoenix tended to fall back into their more natural states, leading to interactions that were more… complicated.

The house had never been cleaner. Molly Weasley had taken advantage of the fact that the twins weren't around to undo her work every five minutes. The surfaces were gleaming, everything was tucked away into its place, and one could see through the windows for the first time in at least fifteen years. It was the first time that she had been able to have a dwelling that met her cleanliness standards and she was relishing the feeling. Even Sirius Black - whose personal mission in life was to spite everything that his family stood for - was scared shitless at the idea of destroying her hard work and was willing to rebel on other ways that didn't lead to serious (hah) bodily harm.

Without the children around, Sirius had lost the motivation to wear what Snape sneeringly referred to as "the bare minimum for any self respecting adult". Or as any normal human being would say, pants.

To Snape and Molly's mutual disgust - and then further disgust at agreeing with one another - Sirius had adopted a new philosophy. This philosophy being that 1. without children there to scar for life, boxers were something that everyone had already seen, 2. only wearing boxers led to a massive decrease in the amount of laundry for Kreacher and he was really just looking out for elvish welfare, and 3. the whole purpose for Order of the Phoenix was to fight back at pureblood supremacist ideals and pants were clearly a symbol of that, so it would be hypocritical to the highest degree if he did wear pants. When questioned on how the hell his third point made any kind of sense, Sirius had responded.

“Have you ever tried to walk around society NOT wearing pants? No? Is it because you’d be judged? Well there you go! Our pureblood supremacist society judges for a lack of pants, so in going without, I am protesting our deeply unfair and backwards society! I’m willing to live by my ideals, unlike some people.”

A glare was shot over at a visiting Remus whose nose was deep in a book. “Hey! What did I do?”

When Molly and Snape had brought their concerns to Dumbledore he had been no help, simply stating, “well, he does have a point”. A contemplative look crept across his face and the two reluctant comrades-in-arms hastily retreated, unwilling to add another disciple to Sirius’s Pants-Free Philosophy.

And so, Sirius had won the right to go pants-less, at least during the school term. After many threats (“I swear to god Sirius, if I see anything you will wish that the dementors had gotten to you”), a reluctant truce was reached in the house.

This was all shattered one late evening in early November. It was shortly after Halloween and both Snape and Sirius were still feeling off after the anniversary of James and Lily's death. Sirius was dealing with the grief and guilt by retreating to his room and promptly losing any and all desire to pick up after himself while Snape was dealing by being even snappier than usual. Molly was doing her best to remain understanding, but between cleaning up after Sirius's messes and dealing with Snape's verbal attacks, Molly was at her breaking point.

"WHAT. IS. THIS." Molly's bellow could be heard throughout the house.

Sirius came running from the kitchen where he had been snacking on some cookies that Molly had made for that nights meeting. Molly stood in the living room, surrounded by an explosion of parchment and piles of blankets. Sirius felt the blood drain out of his face as her face grew steadily redder and redder.

"Nice going Black."

Sirius jumped at the smug voice next to his ear. He whipped his head around to see a smirking Snape stride past him into the room. He opened his mouth to respond but he was interrupted.

"I said, what. Is. This?" Molly hissed.

Sirius took another step back, cursing himself for having momentarily forgotten the bigger threat in the room. "I, uhhh, I mean it's uhhh… some light reading?"

There was a moment of silence and Sirius patted himself on the back for his quick thinking. "LIGHT READING? I JUST FINISHED CLEANING THIS DAMN ROOM LESS THAN AN HOUR AGO, AND YOU'VE DESTROYED WITH YOUR LIGHT READING?"

"Okay, in my defense it was some really irritating reading."

"So you just ripped them apart and left them for me to clean up?"

"No! I was gonna pick them up -"

"No, you were going to eat the cookies for the rest of the order." Sirius quickly hid the half eaten cookie behind his back. Molly whipped out her wand and advanced on him."You were hoping that I'd pick up after you. Well I am sorry to inform you Mr. Black, that I-"

Jab

"- am NOT-"

Jab

"- your MOTHER."

Sirius looked down in dismay at his shirt that was now covered in tiny burn marks.

An inelegant snort broke through the tension. Molly and Sirius looked over to see Snape smirking at them.

"And what is so funny?" Molly asked dangerously.

"Really Molly, you're not his mother? You certainly act like it enough."

"Excuse me?!"

"You coddle him. Feeding him, cleaning up after him, it's like you have a dog."

Sirius opened his mouth to yell but was interrupted before he could get anything out. "I am the only one who makes sure that headquarters is livable and I am the only one who's making sure that you ungrateful assholes are fed."

"You tell him Molly!" Sirius yelled.

"And YOU! Making my life so much harder than it needs to be. Don't you think that I want to sit around and do some 'light reading'? But no! I can't because you have clearly never grown up past the mental age of thirteen!"

"Literally anyone who's ever met Black could've told you that Molly." Snape responded.

Sirius saw red. "At least I'm not kissing up to a genocidal maniac like you, Snivellus. 'Can I lick your boots, oh great scaly one?' 'Shall I be your foot rest, oh darkest wanker?' 'Can I kiss your ass, my dearest overlord?'" He started stalking over to Snape, making kissy noises as he went.

But before he could take more than two steps forward, Sirius's feet tangled in a pile of blankets and the rest of his body kept going forwards. He landed with a jarring thud and pain radiated up his knees and hands.

But more concerning was the fact that his head didn't hurt from the fall.

Because it had been cushioned.

By Snape's face.

And by Snape's lips.

Which were currently smashed against his.

While he was wearing nothing but his boxers.

Sirius's eyes snapped open to meet an equally shocked and horrified black pair of eyes. The two of them scrambled apart, kneeing each other in a desperate to separate as quickly as possible.

"OH MY GOD." He wailed, whipping furiously at his mouth. He could still feel Snape's cold and clammy lips on his. He licked at them, desperate to get the sensation to just go away. Instead, he felt a greasy residue coat his tongue.

"IT'S IN MY MOUTH." He cried, gagging at the taste that would just Not. Go. Away.

"WHAT DID YOU DO?!" Snape cried, trying and failing to back away while simultaneously holding the back of his head in pain. "YOU KISSED ME!"

"No I didn't, no I didn't! It was an accident! I tripped!"

"You fucking kissed me!"

Sirius was going to launch into another round of denials (because he did NOT kiss Snape, ohgodohgod unclean) when a peal of laughter interrupted him.

They both looked over to see Molly Weasley doubled over in laughter.

"You kissed him!" She managed to get out in between rounds of laughs.

"He did not!" They both yelled back in eerie synchronicity that sent sent Molly back into another fit.

"Yes you did!" She yelled gleefully. "And what's even better, is that I now have blackmail on you both!"

Sirius went cold. Standing triumphantly before him was not Molly Wesley, respectable mother of seven and a valued member of society. No, standing before him was Molly Prewett, sister of Fabian and Gideon Prewett whose tales had inspired the nascent Marauders AND the Twins. This was someone who had survived not one, not two, but three sets of pranksters and had not only come out on top, but had come out looking _innocent_.

"No one would believe you." Snape said, clearly not realizing just who he was messing with.

Molly looked down at him, the smallest hint of pity in her gaze. "One word. Pensive."

At that Snape turned an alarming shade of white.

"What do you want?" Sirius croaked.

"Pants." She snapped quickly. "I don't care if you hate them or not. You will wear pants or the entire Order will be treated to the love fest that I just saw. AND you will clean the house, whether it's your mess or not." Sirius nodded quickly, knowing a good deal when he saw one.

"And me?" Snape said warily.

Molly paused and looked at him. "For one, you will knock it off with your shitty attitude towards me. I've done nothing but be kind to you since I've been here and you have thrown it back in my face over and over again." Snape nodded in agreement.

"And two, you will 'accidentally' leave behind a copy of you potion experimentation notes for Fred and George to find."

"I will not!"

"Oh, I'm sorry. So you did want Harry to watch you making out with his godfather then?" Snape said nothing but just glowered at her. "That's what I thought. No, Fred and George are brilliant inventors but if I can get them help from a master potion inventor, then I will. Are we in agreement?"

"Agreed." Snape gritted out.

"Wonderful! It was a pleasure doing business with you boys!" And with that Molly turned around and practically bounced out of the room.

There was a moment of silence.

"This never happened. Agreed?"

"Agreed."

**Author's Note:**

> Many, many thanks to Kim and Sequoia from Fanatical Fics and Where to Find Them. Their AMAZING podcast got me back into writing fic after a VERY long hiatus and y'all should definitely go and listen to them (#TrickYourFriends2019).


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